Goodbye to you.
I don’t know where else to write about this and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it, so here seemed right. Well as right as this will ever be.
A year and a half later… It has been a hell of a year with you. All of the ups and so many downs we went through. I found a part of myself that I never knew existed. I never knew I could love so hard and feel so much at once. I have never felt this way before and I know I never will again. All of the nights we stayed up crying and all the days that felt so magical that I didn’t even feel real. I felt alive and dead at the same time. Like I was hovering between heaven and hell. Every day was a struggle, but it was absolutely beautiful. I just wish I would have accepted it sooner and made it more joyful. But instead I found myself constantly worried about what other people were thinking and doing. I really wish I hadn’t so much because why does that matter? It only took away from my experience with you. But what is done is done and I have to say goodbye. I don’t want to, but I know in my heart I have to. This is only killing me. I’m not the same person as I was a year and a half ago, but that is to be expected. We grow and we change, but after all of this, I don’t know who I am anymore. I need to take my life back and make it my own again. I’ve tried before but it obviously wasn’t time. Now I believe it is time to pack up the last year and a half and put in on a shelf. I can always go back and relive my memories. Especially through all of our songs. I’ll miss the constant comfort and reassurance from you. I’ll miss cuddling with you and telling you everything that I can’t tell my friends. I’ll miss experiencing life in the way we do together. But I won’t miss everyone’s worry, everyone’s confusion and most of all I will not miss the feeling of being out of control. I’m not blaming you for the bad things that happened, but you are the source. Unfortunately our love can’t fix this. I think it would have been fixed by now if it could.
As I am writing this, I feel so low, but so happy to have experienced this with you. Especially you. In another life I would be your girl. Oh I would love that so much, but it’s not up to me to choose. Life takes you where it wants even if you don’t like it. Life doesn’t seem to be taking us on the same journey, so we should just stop the train and let me off here. This is my destination. This is my life. I will miss you terribly. You have no idea how much this is going to kill me to end it all, but for my sanity, I have to.
Just for the record, I wouldn’t choose my friends over you. I’d choose you first every time.
I love you so much, Jack.
I hope you never forget me. I’ll see you in my dreams, beautiful. <3